I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize