Don't make out with my wife yet
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
