I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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