kristin has been a bad kristin
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
