I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Randomize
