I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
My life is pants optional.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
