I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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