Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
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