Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
