just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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