I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
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