this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
