She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
