party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize