I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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