Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
