one might say we're banned from that church
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
