I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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