I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
