My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
