next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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