A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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