I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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