based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
