im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
