She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
