I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I wannas sexs uuuuu
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
