I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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