Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
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