don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
