I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
