She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
