Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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