I faked an abortion last night.
I cut my penus on the lid.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
