Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
