The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
