Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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