My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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