You smell like stripper and shame
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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