1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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