someone owes me an orgasm
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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