i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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