I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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