I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize