Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
