I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
