She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
