sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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