I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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