mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
