I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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