Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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