Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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