why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
