I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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