Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Someone shattered a urinal.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
