And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
