for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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